I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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