im six kinds of drunk right now
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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