Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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