I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
