Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
