Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
