Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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