No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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