someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
