The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize