I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
