Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
