Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize