I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
