can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
