morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
