I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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