Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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