Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
