how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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