If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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