She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
