He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
