dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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