Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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