he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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