I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
