That's when you crack a 10am beer
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
