I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
