Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
