I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
