youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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