Betty ford says i'm here all night
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize