If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
