Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
