Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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