I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
