cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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