Will you blow on my dice?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
