Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
