So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
