Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
