The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
