bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
