I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
