you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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