I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She even gives head with a lisp.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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