your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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