as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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