i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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