Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize