If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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