she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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