Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
