I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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