The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
