i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
