whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
