Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
