90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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