I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
