so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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