i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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