She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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