So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
