I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
